I have been an Icarus

不恐同，但也對此類題材無愛。同學力薦的《莫里斯的情人》是硬撐著看完的。這一部像是Maurice的女版，不同的是，Maurice改編自E.M.福斯特的小說，而The Secret Diaries of Miss Anne Lister則是基於真實的故事：安妮李斯特用只有自己才能看懂的文字寫成的日記。一經解密，這部珍貴的作品為我們還原了當時真實的情形。

Anne Lister生活的年代比起Maurice甚至還要早接近一個世紀。在那個年代，同性戀更是難以啟齒的罪惡。Anne不顧世俗的眼光，將自己想要的幸福看成垂手可得的事，每天甜蜜蜜的籌劃著名自己和Mariana的未來。Mariana的婚姻像是當頭一棒將她打懵了，然而熱忱的愛讓她原諒了Mariana。在Mariana信誓旦旦的允諾下，Anne再一次陷入了看不到終點的等待。可是，當她的言行越過Mariana內心劃定的界限時，衝突也就爆發了。當兩個人可接受的底線已經越拉越遠，她們再也難回到過去。在她們激烈的爭吵中，我竟然為Anne勇敢、熾烈、不顧一切的感情所感動了，並記下了她們的對白：

Mariana: What were you thinking? A fine story you』ve given the coachman, and everyone he carries for the next week. Miss Lister marching across the moors like a madwoman.

Miss. Lister: No, please, I』m sorry. Just come home with me, Mariana. Come home to Shibden with me.

Mariana: You know I can』t.

Miss. Lister: Why can』t you? Just come. Leave Charles, you don』t need him any more.

Mariana: What would I tell him?

Miss. Lister: It doesn』t matter!

Mariana: People would say things. You must understand that I would rather die than our connection be known.

Miss. Lister: Ashamed. You』re ashamed of me.

Mariana: Why must you draw attention to yourself so?

Miss. Lister: How can you be my wife if you』re ashamed to be seen with me?

Mariana: Do you have to keep playing this game? Women can』t marry! We could have a good life see each other often, if only you wouldn』t insist on us living together.

Miss. Lister: That’s no life!

Mariana: You live in a girlish dream! Yes, we might live as companions, but the way you are with me… Think! People would smoke us in days. We』d be ruined., ridiculed, cut by all society!

Miss. Lister: Then why have you said you would live with me for so long!

Mariana: Because I love you!

Miss. Lister: A coward love!

Mariana: The world is the way it is and we cannot change it!

Miss. Lister: Then I see you are not the woman of all hours for me. I crave a stronger character. Only in bed are you excellent!

Mariana: You cannot live without me.

Miss. Lister: Oh, but I do. And I cannot bear it any longer. I want to share my life with someone. I want that. Or nothing at all.

Mariana: I can』t.

有時我做事也會思前想後，顧慮重重，事後難免也會被後悔折磨。這就是我對Anne心生敬佩的原因。在她對Mariana徹底心灰意冷後，有這樣一句獨白：It’s as if I』ve woken from a feverish home. I can live and work and still be happy. I have been an Icarus but shall fall less fatally. From this moment I will, without remorse, suit my convenience.

Icarus是希臘神話中巧匠Daedalus之子，父子倆被困克里特島，父親於是用蠟和羽毛製成翅膀逃命。離開前，父親警告兒子克制飛高的慾望否則離太陽太近，蠟翅膀就會融化。然而Icarus飛上天空後沉溺於翱翔的快樂，忘記了父親的提醒，越飛越高，最終翅膀被太陽融化，溺海而亡。Anne Lister是勇敢的，曾不顧一切追尋理想的生活，即使犯過錯誤，也勇於與過去決斷，重新開始。勇者無懼也無憾，她做到了，最後獲得了自己想要的幸福。當Mariana請求重新回到她身邊時，她也終於能夠淡然的說不。Her life was full of ups and downs, yet she turned out to be a surprisingly good wave-rider.

如果有一個世界渾濁的不像話，
原諒我飛，
曾經眷戀太陽。