How did this happen?

被Nicole Kidman演的維吉尼亞 Woolf震撼到。
又是一部沒有哪一刻是想讓我快進，並且是重溫數次意猶未盡之電影。

特意翻出四年前英美文學史的作業，關於《Mrs.Dalloway》的一個選段的解讀。真慶幸那次沒輪到我去做presentation，現在看那時候寫的評論好膚淺。

有兩位教授教過我們英美文學史，回想起來氣質都有點陰鬱，其中一位是我最愛。以前是有多不喜歡上英美文學史的課，分析意識流作家及其作品的時候，必然犯困，還特別害怕被老師提問。現在回想起來，卻是很懷念。隨著閱歷漸增，果然領悟力也會慢慢提升。

看到維吉尼亞和Leonard站台上的那段，眼淚開始掉。

"My life has been stolen from me. I'm living a life I have no wish to live. How did this happen?…If I were thinking clearly, Leonard, I would tell you that I wrestle in the dark, in the deep dark and that only I can know, only I can understand my own condition. "
Leonard聲嘶力竭絕望而無助的勸說真讓人好心痛。
一整個電影下來，Leonard都讓人覺得很心酸。

維吉尼亞 Woolf是英國文學史上舉足輕重的意識流小說代表之一。我喜歡她糾結的精神氣質：「一面澄明，一面黑暗；一面寒冷，一面溫熱；一面是創造，一面是毀滅。」 喜歡她創作時出現的病兆，喜歡她臉上折射出的內心痛苦。 Nicole Kidman把這種病態美演繹的是有多美！

忍不住反覆讀維吉尼亞的遺囑，
「Dearest, I feel certain I am going mad again.
I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times, and I shan't recover this time.
I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate.
So, I am doing what seems the best thing to do.
You have given me the greatest possible happiness.
You have been in every way all that anyone could be.
I know that I am spoiling your life; and without me, you could work.
And you will, I know.
You see I can't even write this properly.
What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you.
You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good.
Everything is gone from me but the certainty of your goodness.
I can't go on spoiling your life any longer.
I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been. "

Laura說:「There are times when you don't belong and you think you're going to kill yourself. It would be wonderful to say you regretted it. I would be easy. What dose it mean to regret when you have no choice? It's what you can bear. There it is.」 深感共鳴。

喜歡Dan那樣簡單樂觀有美好信念的人，「It was the thought of the happiness, the thought of this woman, the thought of this life, that what kept me going. I had an idea of our happiness.」

不知道怎麼的，自己內心就是像維吉尼亞和Laura那樣分裂又陰鬱。想著生活中必須面對的絕望境況，Clarissa那句「What I mean is to face the past that we have lost those feelings forever. Explain to me why this is happening. It's just too much.」 , 甚至是最簡單的一句「How did this happen?」 就讓我悲從中來。 但又必須像Richard那樣「Having to be proud and brave in front of everybody.」

Richard痛不欲生:"Everything all mixed up, like it's all mixed up now. And I failed. I failed. No matter what you start with, it ends up being so much less. Sheer fucking pride, and stupidity. We want everything, don't we?"

毫無疑問，於我…一部直戳心靈的電影。

人心的陰暗孤獨並非無緣由，維吉尼亞不幸的生活經歷讓她換上精神病，最後一次，自己也絕望到不會再痊癒於是走向生命終點。

這些不是文藝女青年的無病呻吟，真的覺得生活有時候不夠公平。


於我，電影配樂對氣氛的渲染有點畫蛇添足，聽得略煩，即使它是Philip Glass的大作。