十五次色調變化寫成的情書

每一次想要自殺的George教授感受到生氣的時候，作為影片基本色調的冷色就會轉變成鮮艷的暖色。
  第一次暖色調出現，是05:29。george教授的回憶裡，jim在草坪上逗弄兩隻獵狐犬
  第二次，06:31，回憶裡jim和自己在玻璃房子裡親吻。
  第三次，07:42。還是回憶，是夜晚的房間裡因而暖色調不是很明顯。教授接到通知jim死亡的電話，然後在雨中跑向女性朋友Charley家，失聲痛哭。
  前三次都是回憶。
  大概想說明，教授在jim沒有離開的時候，還生活得很幸福，每一個片段都溫暖鮮明，直到Jim死去。
  第四次色調變化，18:38。教授和教學秘書（？）的對話中，教學秘書露出笑容時的圓潤的紅色嘴唇的特寫 。
  第五次，20:12。教授一邊跟同事格蘭特聊天，一邊看著打網球的男學生修長精壯的肉體，鏡頭捕捉男學生的肌肉特寫 （想像中的同事一家在蜜汁防空洞裡跟牲畜合影也用了暖色調，大概是想表達其實別人的生活都很多彩快樂，只有教授生活在灰暗的痛苦裡）。
  第六次 22:40，教授在上課，講赫胥黎。男學生肯尼面部特寫
  第七次，較為特殊，鏡頭中景像變成黑白色。在教授取到保險箱中jim的黑白照片後陷入的回憶裡，景物都是黑白色的，與Jim的黑白照片相呼應。這是影片中除了教授死亡的瞬間之外唯一使用了黑白色調的地方。
  第八次，38:21。教授在銀行里跟穿著lo裝的鄰居女孩相遇，鏡頭從少女的小腿上拉。38:42，教授的面部特寫變成暖色調，這是在現實生活當中教授的面部色調第一次轉暖。40:22，教授的面部色調由暖轉冷。
  第九次，41:57。教授在便利店門口親吻開車女士的小獵狐犬India。
  第十次，43:36。教授在便利店門口跟西班牙小伙卡洛斯聊天。西班牙小伙抽菸時的嘴唇特寫。
  第十一次，48:14，又是教授的回憶。想起教授和jim坐在沙發上看書的情景。
  第十二次，55:54，教授去阿姨家做客，在門口小花園托起一朵玫瑰花觀察。玫瑰花特寫。
  在阿姨家全程 色調都比較溫暖 教授跟阿姨的相處基本比較愉快，也可能燈光的原因。感覺是前者。因為最後教授決定不自殺的時候，內心的os是：感謝你們把我拉了回來。
  第十三次，回憶殺，69:31。教授自殺前回憶跟jim在酒吧遇見的情景。
  第十四次，教授死前想回到跟jim遇見的酒吧喝一杯，遇見了來找他的小鮮肉kenny，喝酒聊天，全程暖色調。
  游泳後回到教授家 色調也是溫暖的，不知道是不是因為燈光，還是教授跟小鮮肉比較合拍，覺得生活有了一些生氣。感覺上是後者，因為在後面教授發病死去的鏡頭中，色調又重新轉冷。
  第十五次，94:07教授發病死去，躺在床邊的地毯上。色調由暖變冷，又變成黑白。
  教授的溺水幻覺則總歸出現了三次：開頭夢中/21:58上課的時候/88:13回家睡著時候。
  「for Richard Buckley」 在影片《單身男子》結尾時出現在螢幕上。這是導演送給愛人的禮物。
  據說，Richard Buckley曾經問Tom Ford為何不把這一行字寫在影片開始時，Tom Ford回答說，因為不想讓對你的愛變成影片的噱頭。我相信他的目的達到了。撇開Tom Ford本人不談，《單身男子》也是一部打動人心的電影。事實上，我在看完這部影片之後才發現Tom Ford竟然是該片的導演。
  片中的「single man」喬治教授經歷了喪偶的悲劇，無法鼓起勇氣生活。愛人Jim出車禍死亡，他卻無法去參加愛人的葬禮，因為葬禮只允許家人參加，而在同性戀人無法締結婚姻的1962年，他無法成為對方的家人。他只能在接到愛人表哥的報喪電話時蓄著眼淚，看似平靜地接受現實，又或者在夢中的雪地裡走向Jim的車禍現場，親吻一次滿臉鮮血的愛人。
  後來，小鮮肉學生肯尼問他：老師，你害怕什麼？
  他回答：汽車。
  然而影片裡的1962年，汽車很漂亮。線條優美，色彩大方，亮晶晶地打著蠟。其他，也同樣漂亮。男人的西裝合體筆挺、襯衫雪白乾淨，女人的妝容嫵媚動人、衣飾華麗，寫字檯木質優良、一塵不染，肉體都美麗健康，肌肉勻稱。就連喬治教授自殺用的手槍，都銀光閃閃，彷彿一件陳列的藝術品。
  這不是真正的1962年。這是喬治教授眼中的1962年。
  喬治教授是一位真正的紳士，有著良好的教養，天生優雅從容。罹遭這樣的打擊，也總不允許自己失去優雅的姿態。他要把自己的辦公室收拾乾淨，從銀行保險櫃里取出所有的積蓄，把留給家政阿姨的小費裝進信封放在麵包袋裡，把留給朋友的信和預備自己做殮衣用的西裝和襯衫領帶領針整齊地擺在寫字檯上，附上卡片：請打一個溫莎結。然後，想要從容赴死。怕自己的血弄髒白床單，他又拿了野營的睡袋，把自己裹了進去。
  拍出這樣情節的人，一定優雅精緻地過了頭。
  本片導演、大名鼎鼎的Tom Ford作為時尚界的領軍人物，被許多愛美的女士所熟知。出生於1961年的他，在相繼擔任Gucci和YSL的總監之後開創了屬於自己的品牌Tom Ford。
  年輕時的Tom Ford英俊風流，過了多年鮮衣怒馬的生活，既有過男朋友，也有過女朋友。對他來說，全裸出鏡已不新鮮。在Gucci任職期間，他甚至還想出過將女性私處的毛髮修剪成G字形的廣告創意。 然而在25歲時，他遇見了時年38歲的《Vogue Hommes》主編Richard Buckley。Richard Buckley風度翩翩，年輕有為，是一位成功的雜誌編輯。下面這張就是Richard Buckley年輕時的影像。 遇見了Richard Buckley的Tom Ford墜入了愛河，拋棄鶯鶯燕燕，義無反顧地去跟隨溫文儒雅的主編先生。
  現在已經55歲的他，與68歲的Richard Buckley，從1986年相愛至今，共同生活了30年。然而，他們這30年卻並非一帆風順。 在一起三年後，Richard Buckley罹患喉癌，日漸形銷骨立。當時，很多人誤認為Richard Buckley是染上了愛滋病，極力勸說Tom Ford離開他。但是對這段感情堅定不移的Tom Ford不僅對愛人不離不棄，而且與勸說過自己跟Richard Buckley分開的人統統絕交。《單身男子》中，喬治教授因為失去愛人而失魂落魄，在漫長的沉默中痛不欲生，生活得井井有條卻又難以為繼，這種情緒，大概正是得知愛人罹患重病後的Tom Ford所經歷過的。每一天都面臨著愛人可能離開的恐懼，然而自己一貫地精緻優雅，保持著平靜和安寧，兩相對比，不可謂不痛苦。 然而Tom Ford比喬治教授要幸運得多。在他的幫助下，Richard Buckley戰勝了疾病。2012年，二人喜得貴子（當然是代孕的），取名Alexander John Buckley Ford，他們的名字終於合二為一。
  2014年，兩人在美國登記結婚。Tom Ford對媒體說：「我在大學的時候失去了很多朋友，當然包括那些曾經很親密的人，而陪伴我27年Richard肯定也經歷了許多艱難的事，現在我們終於結婚了，這真的很棒，雖然我知道在英國同志婚姻已經合法了，不過最後我們選在美國結婚。」Tom Ford和Richard Buckley等待了30年，在死亡的恐懼之上顫巍巍地度過了半生，終於迎來了成為彼此家人的一天。 話說Richard Buckley還在《單身男子》中客串了一個角色。就是下圖：

附上二人情書漢語版and原版：
 

湯姆福特,設計師：
  當你看著他的時候，那感覺就像很久以前就已相識。我們第一次見面的那晚，我就彷彿已經對他再熟悉不過了。他有著最熾熱的眼神——就像一隻阿拉斯加雪橇犬。那不是一雙藍色的眼睛，也不是灰色的，那是一種從未見過的美麗色彩——類似於耀眼的銀色。那雙眼睛還未來得及表露情意，卻早已令我深深著迷。
  猶記彼此間初次邂逅是在1986年紐約的一場時裝秀上。那時候的他正值38歲年輕有為之際，正處美國權威時尚媒體《女裝時報》時裝主編一職。他是那麼的自信而又英俊，完美到似乎難以讓人靠近。眼神又是如此般熱烈以致於讓膽怯的我焦躁不安。時裝秀結束之後，我硬是狂奔出門跑到了大街上，才得以避開他。
  十天後，我的老闆，Cathy Hardwick派我去《女裝時報》公司取回一些時裝，我便被公司人員帶到了模特們正在進行時裝拍攝的頂樓。當電梯門打開的那一刻，我看見了一個眼神澄澈無比的男人。他急匆匆衝進來，介紹自己叫做理察·巴克利，並告訴我時裝實際上放在樓下,在一個他們所謂的「時尚衣櫥」里。他真的很可愛，看起來完全就像一個大傻瓜。不停地手舞足蹈，用閃爍的大眼睛看著我，費盡心思想在我面前顯得更加迷人。就在電梯運行的那段時間裡,我就已暗暗下定決心要與他共度一生。我是個非常現實的人，我就想，好吧，看來似乎有某種羈絆要把我們繫在了一起了。他在不停的說話,但隨著「咚」的一聲,電梯門開了,我心想,OK,搞定。他卻依舊鎮定。他是一個那麼的英俊、鎮靜、又穩重成熟的人，令我生畏。後來他真的開始追我，關鍵已經不在於他追求的多麼努力了。我真的很開心，但同時也讓我侷促不安。因為我深知他是那麼的與眾不同，那種感覺難以用言語描述，和他在一起的時光里，彷彿讓我感受到了那從未有過的無與倫比般快樂。

  有次星期六,約好了一起聖誕採購。幾次約會之後,之後幾乎每個夜晚我們都膩在一起。那大概是幾天之後,我們才彼此說出「我愛你..」這樣的話。但現在不一樣了，在每晚入眠之前、每次掛掉電話之前、每一次郵件的末尾，我們都會對彼此說出這樣的話來表達愛意。我是這麼認為的,如果我愛你,我就應該讓你明白我的心意。也許你可能會在握著他的手或者親吻的時候才會說出這樣的話，但我從未停止過告訴他，我愛他。

  那次，我們都分別回各自家裡過聖誕了,但當我們再次相聚的時候，他給我配了把他公寓的鑰匙，並且希望我能搬去和他住在一起，我當即就答應了。我們相處了還不到一個月,有人和他已經共同生活了大概三、四年，但那不是一個特別認真的關係，他也很自覺的解決了這件事。那時候他才正值38歲，我25歲，但是我們都已有充分的準備，安頓居所、墜入愛河,與彼此共度一生。我年輕的時候也曾沉迷酒精、毒品、到處跑Party，也和很多人發生過關係，玩也該玩夠了。這種花天酒地般糜爛的生活需要結束了。在我14歲的時候我發生了第一次性關係，高中時期我也曾有過女友，談戀愛的那段時間她兩度懷孕。在70年代那段日子裡，人流也是避孕的方式之一，那個時候在大部份學校里，人們對人流的態度都很隨意。如果是現在，我有和誰在一起的話，我肯定不會這麼做的。我想那也許也是一個時代的特徵，即使在電視上，性都被隨意對待，更別說青少年了。當你看70年代的老電視節目，人們幾乎很隨意的發生性關係，但是那次愛滋病的爆發，徹底改變了人們的想法。

   自從某個比較早期的病人被診斷出患有愛滋病之後，人們開始把愛滋病稱作同性戀特有的癌症。 1981年，聽到了好友患上愛滋的消息，完全把我嚇壞了，從此以後我開始非常注意安全措施。
那也許確實救了我的命，不過從此完全破壞了我對性的看法。你已經開始把性和死亡聯繫到一起了——至少我已經這麼看了。我和Richard，彼此約會了三次以後才發生了關係，那是因為當時我最好的朋友正躺在醫院裡，因為愛滋而垂死掙扎。而Richard最好的朋友因為愛滋而在醫院已然離世。所以約會之後，我們都分別去了趟醫院檢查，那是我們那段時間常做的事。但我們依舊對愛滋有著巨大的恐懼，並且十分影響我們的早期性生活。我們一邊墜入愛河，一邊眼看著最親密的朋友離世。如果可以讓我列個名單，起碼在80年代，我倆就已經有一半的好友離世。並且持續到90年代早期——都沒有結束。
   
   我們在一起共同生活了三年後，Richard被診斷出癌症,並且在當時被告知是不治之症。我們已經發生了很多令人難過的悲劇，一起經歷了種種患難，最終，還是讓彼此更加密不可分。這些同患難共甘苦的歲月都是我們人生中珍貴的財富，最終使我們生命的火花綻放地更加絢麗美好。

   彼此一起慢慢變老也似乎是件很有意思的事，我們都有所改變。剛談戀愛的那段日子裡我一直都很安靜——其實我是一個有些、非常、甚至近乎病態般害羞的人，雖然我知道現在沒人相信了。因為我時常出現在公共視野里，而且又似乎是個工作狂。其實剛開始談戀愛的時候,Richard是一個非常非常善於社交而且異常健談的人。他性格外向樂觀，而我性格內向害羞，你們現在看見我們的時候肯定想的完全相反。現在Richard常常表現得很安靜，特別當他和你很熟的時候。但如果你在party上碰見了他，他也是很活潑的。其實我真心不喜歡party，我儘量努力不去參加，我更喜歡和Richard彼此間的晚餐，或者和五、六個朋友一起。

   有件事總是讓我覺得很可笑——也許可笑不是一個特別準確的形容詞，因為那實際上是件很嚴肅的事——時常和眾好友們聚會的時候，他們都是異性戀，他們過了很久才意識到原來我和Richard已經一起生活了24年，反應常常是，「哇，你倆都呆一起24年啦！簡直神了.....我以為同性戀情侶都不會相處那麼長時間的..」我就問，「為什麼？你到底在說什麼？」在我的朋友圈裡，目前關係維持最長久的都是同性情侶。我和Richard在一起的那段日子裡，很多我的異性戀朋友卻時常結婚、離婚，結婚又離婚....我發現這種偏見，即使在我的一些受過高素質教育的朋友中也依舊存在，他們認為同性戀在一起的原因更多是性需求而非因為彼此間的愛情，在如今文化高度發達的社會中居然還存在這種偏見，這其實是件讓人很震驚的事。我感到很幸運也很渴望能成為任何人的另一半，無論我愛的是異性或同性，我需要的都是愛。Richard和我也許註定相隨，用愛互相依靠，或許那就是所謂的當你凝視愛人雙眸那一刻，似乎已然望穿他此生，早已相識，我想,他就是我生命最美的歸宿。

理察•巴克利 主編：
  在巴黎待了三年半後，我又因為接受了一個名為"Scene"的雜誌主編一職，搬回了紐約。回到紐約的第四天，我參加了一位叫大衛卡梅隆的年輕設計師的一場時裝秀。正當我默默等待表演開場之際(是在一個Loft藝術區舉辦的)，在人群的邊緣我瞥見了一個男子，長得很好看，絕對算好看的那種。表演結束後，我一直呆坐在椅子上無聊地在筆記本上塗塗畫畫，直到他的駝色大衣闖入我的視線，我立馬來了精神，開始往他的方向走去。我說了，我們所在的那地方是個Loft藝術區，最快離開的路徑就是走樓梯。我倆一邊漫步，我一邊時不時地上下打量他，時而對他微笑，他也以略勉強的微笑回應。我倆一直保持著這樣的局面直到走出了藝術區，我肯定他當時巴不得趕快逃離。
 
   時間過得飛快，十天後，我又來到十二號街一棟樓的樓頂拍攝一組寫真，藝術總監歐文問我是否有男朋友。
  
  "沒。"
  "那你最近也沒有約會？"
  "沒，我自從回紐約後就沒怎麼出去玩。"
  "為什麼？"
  "我離開紐約有三年半了，現在兩份工作等著我，得趕緊適應工作節奏，我可不想被耽誤了。"
  "那你也沒遇見什麼心上人嗎？"

   我就把上次秀上遇到那人那事告訴他了。巧的是兩分鐘後哈利從拍攝間跑到樓頂來告訴我，"有個人過來要取回他們公司的服裝。"然後我就看到秀上遇到的那人走了過來。

   我小聲地告訴歐文，"就是他。"
   "誰？"
   "這就那人。"
   "哪個？"
   "就那個啊！"
   "噢他不會就是……"
   "沒錯，就是他。"

   我走過去告訴那個年輕人，除了一會兒要用的那件衣服以外其他的都能給他拿回去。然後我就帶他坐電梯去樓下的工作間，在電梯裡我一直像個八卦小女生一樣叨個沒完，邊說還邊搔首弄姿般捋捋頭髮，試圖吸引他。他就在那站著，一聲不吭。他越沉默越顯得我傻里傻氣。我劃拉著衣櫥裡的時裝又開始叨，"明天晚上你老闆會在她公寓裡辦個慶祝我回歸的晚會。"我希望他會把這事告訴她，畢竟她在gay圈中可是很識時務的，一定會把他也順便請過來。

  第二天晚上，晚會雖贊，可是那人的身影並沒出現。晚會過後我把他老闆拉到一邊問，"你助理叫什麼名字？"
  
   "托瓦。"
   "不對，不叫托瓦，是長得很好看的一傢伙。"
   "順毛。"
   "順毛？"
   "他真名叫湯姆，不過我管他叫順毛。"她老公也叫湯姆斯諾登，為了區分開來，她就給一個湯姆取名'兇巴巴'另一個取名'順毛'。

  我說了，她絕對是一個很懂的人，"他肯定就是你那個對的人。星期一過來一起吃頓午餐吧，我會幫你牽線的。"

 果然，第二天早上她就在辦公室喚著，"湯姆，你進來。"她告訴他，"理察•巴克利，WWD和Scene的時尚主編，他想約你出去，這個人對我們公司很重要，你把我的卡拿著，他想幹嘛你就陪他幹嘛。"

 週一那天，傾盆大雨。我來到了她的辦公室心想著等會就會去外面吃飯。上次在她辦公室就著番茄湯就吃了點三明治。吃到一半，湯姆就起身了說他得回去工作了。那會兒我就在想，我三十八了，他才二十五，他大概是不會喜歡我這類型的怪老頭了。我被三振出局了。

我回到了辦公室，大約十分鐘後電話響了。

"餵。"
"你好，我是湯姆福特，打個電話來是想問問你有沒有空改天出來和我喝一杯或者吃頓飯。"

  絲毫沒有防備，我完全沒想到他會找我，還以為他很高冷。"額，明天還有後天晚上我要參加商務晚會，星期三晚上我還得出國一趟，一週以後大概才有空？"他說沒事。然後我們又在電話裡聊了一會兒，他很主動的找我聊天，我就心想他其實完全不高冷啊。電話快要掛了，我告訴他，"聽著,明晚那個晚會其實也是可有可無，如果我沒去的話能不能約你出來？" "當然可以。"

  說實話，之後的一整天我都按耐不住興奮的心情。其實根本就沒有商業晚會，不用出國，什麼都沒有。沒有。週二下午四點二十三分，我打電話告訴他晚會取消了，問他還有沒有空。

  我倆的第一次約會，實際上是在城東貧民區一個很簡陋的餐館過的，叫'Albuquerque eats'，估計現在應該已經拆了。湯姆就坐在那和我閒聊，"十年內我要在巴黎展出我自己設計的時裝，我要成為一個百萬富翁，我要……我要……."我當時就想，這傢伙真是幼稚。我們又聊了其他的事情，我才發現其實他的內心就像是一個兔子洞般奇妙。望向他，我已目眩神迷，彷彿透過這雙目，便可以深入到他的內心世界。我發現他是個有著遠大抱負又善良的年輕人，不知不覺中我似乎已經為他著迷。

經歷過多次失敗的戀愛，讓我對很多東西都很懷疑敏感，和湯姆在一起的時候，我很小心，避免重蹈覆轍。多次受傷的我學會了和人保持適當距離，但是1986年的那個新年夜，我倆沒出去，待在我公寓裡。我給了他一個蒂凡尼的盒子，裡面放著我公寓的鑰匙。第二天他就搬了進來。

湯姆是絕對的現代版的紳士，對於紳士風度我們態度一致，我倆都是那種會為女士拉椅子開門的那種人。如果你有禮貌修養，人們是會感受到的，他們會很感激你的，因為你尊重他們。89年，我得了喉癌。有些人對此反應過激，湯姆選擇了和他們斷絕來往。我摯友和一位導師在87年和88年相繼離世，都是因為愛滋。所以有些人武斷的認為我得的也是愛滋，他們不肯來看我因為他們覺得好像一過來就會感染愛滋病。湯姆直接和這些人斷絕了來往，就是在街上碰到都不會理。

  我無法想像沒有了湯姆的生活。如果他有什麼閃失，生活怎能繼續。於我而言，他始終都是二十四年前我遇見的那個有著遠大抱負並且善良的年輕人，那個世上獨一無二的湯姆，我的湯姆。


Tom Ford, Designer:
You can look at someone and feel like you've known him forever. The first night I ever had drinks with Richard I felt I knew everything about him. He has the wildest eyes -- like an Alaskan husky. They're not blue, they're not gray, they're a color you've never seen before -- they approach silver. They give away absolutely nothing, yet they are completely mesmerizing. We first encountered each other at a fashion show in 紐約 in 1986. He was 38 at the time and the fashion editor of Women's Wear Daily. He was confident and handsome in a way that made him almost unapproachable. His stare was so intense that it completely unnerved me, and when the show was over I literally bolted out the door and down the street to avoid him. Ten days later, my employer, Cathy Hardwick, sent me to the office of Women's Wear Daily to retrieve some clothes. I was directed to the roof where they were being photographed, and as the elevator opened, there was the man with the eyes the color of water. He rushed over and introduced himself as Richard Buckley and told me that the clothes were actually downstairs and offered to take me down to what was then called 'the fashion closet.' He was adorable, and he was a complete fool. He was sort of dancing around, flashing his eyes at me, and trying so hard to be charming. I decided in that elevator ride that I was going to marry him. I'm very pragmatic, and I was, like, OK, there's some kind of connection here. He ticked every box, and -- boom -- by the time we got to the floor, I was like, OK, sold. He seemed so together. He was so handsome, he was so connected, he was so grown-up, so he was very intimidating. And he really chased me -- not that he had to chase that hard. It excited me but it also scared me, because I knew he was different and that whatever it was I felt with him was very different from what I'd felt before.

We did our Christmas shopping together one Saturday, and we spent almost every night together after our first few dates. It was probably a few days before we were saying things like, 'I think I'm in love with you.' Now, we say it to each other every night before we go to sleep, and we say it at the end of every telephone conversation, and we write it at the end of every e-mail. Every time you think, I love you, I really believe you have to say it. If you think about holding their hand or kissing them, you do it. I do it all the time.

We both went home for Christmas, and when we came back, he gave me the key to his apartment and asked if I'd move in, and I did. We'd known each other barely a month. He'd lived with someone for three or four years, but it wasn't really a serious relationship, and he was very consciously looking for that. He had come to that stage of his life at age 38, and I was at that stage at age 25, but we were both ready to settle down and fall in love and have a life with someone. I had slept with a lot of people and done my fair share of drinking and dancing and drugs. I'd had sex for the first time when I was 14. I had a girlfriend in high school who was pregnant twice while we were together. In those days, in the '70s, abortion was considered a form of birth control, and I think in most high schools at the time, it was quite casual. I certainly wouldn't do that if I were with someone today, even as a teenager, so I think it was a part of that era, and the casualness with which sex was treated on television. When you watch an old '70s television show, everyone is just hopping into bed with everyone in a completely casual way. I think AIDS definitely changed it.

One of the very first people to be diagnosed with what was then called gay cancer, in 1981, was a friend of mine. It completely flipped me out, and from then on, I was extremely safe. It probably saved my life, but it damaged the way I think about sex forever. You just associated sex with death'or at least I did. Richard and I had three dates before we had sex, because my best friend was in the hospital, dying from AIDS, and Richard's best friend was in the hospital, dying of AIDS. So we would have a date, and then he would go to the hospital, and I would go to the hospital; consequently, that was very much on our minds. There was still enormous fear, and that affected our early sexual relationship tremendously, as well as just watching very close friends die at the same time we were falling in love. If we made a list, I would say that half of our friends from the early '80s are no longer with us. It continued into the early '90s -- it just didn't stop.

Three years after we started living together, Richard was diagnosed with cancer and at the time was told that it was most likely going to be fatal. We've had a fair amount of personal family tragedy, and things happen that do, ultimately, bring you closer, because they're things you go through together and they make your history richer.

Getting older together has been interesting because we've both changed. I was very quiet at the beginning of our relationship -- I'm actually a very, extremely, almost pathologically shy person, which no one believes today, because I have also mastered a work/public facade that takes an enormous amount of energy to project. And Richard, when we first got together, was very, very social and very talkative. Richard is an extrovert, and I'm an introvert, but meeting us today you would think the opposite. Richard, now, often, can be quite quiet, especially if he knows you well. But if you get Richard at a party, he's extremely animated. I actually hate parties, and I try not to go. I prefer dinner one-on-one or with four or six people.

One of the things that always amuses me -- amuses isn't even the right word, because it doesn't amuse me -- but often, I'm at dinner parties with very close friends, straight, and they realize that Richard and I have been together 24 years, and the response is often, 'Wow, you guys have been together 24 years! That's so amazing. I don't think of gay men being together that long.' And I'm, like, 'Why? What are you talking about?' Some of the longest relationships I know of are same-sex couples. A lot of my straight friends have married and divorced and married and divorced in the time Richard and I have been together. I think that preconception, from even very educated liberal friends, that being gay is possibly more sex-based than emotionally based, is surprising and shocking in today's world. I'm someone who likes being part of a couple and always wanted that and always sought that, and it would probably be true for me whether I was gay or straight. Richard and I are bound together, and I think that's what that recognition is when you look someone in the eyes and you feel like you've known them forever. It is a kind of coming home.

Richard Buckley，Writer:
After three and a half years in Paris, I moved back to 紐約 to be the editor of a new Fairchild magazine called Scene. On my fourth day back in town, I attended the show of a young designer called David Cameron. As I was waiting for the show to begin (it was held in a loft), I noticed a guy standing in the crowd off to the side and thought, Cute. Definitely cute. When the show was over, I sat in my seat, fiddling with my pens and my notebook, until I saw his camel coat out of the corner of my eye. I hopped up and started to walk out with him. Like I said, we were in a loft, and the quickest way out was by the stairs. As we walked, I would look over at him from time to time and smile. He'd give me a weak smile back. This went on until we hit the street, when I swear he sprinted away from me.

Fast-forward 10 days, and I am up on the roof of the Fairchild building on 12th Street doing a hideous shoot for WWD when Owen, the art director, asked if I had a boyfriend.

'No.'

'Are you seeing anyone?'

'No. I haven't even been out since I've been back.'

'Why is that?'

'I've been away for three and a half years, I have two jobs, and I've got to get back into the work rhythm of 紐約. I don't want any distractions.'

'Hasn't there been someone you've thought of asking out?'

At that point, I told him about this guy I'd seen at David Cameron's fashion show and how he'd disappeared. Literally two minutes later, Harry, from the photo lab, came up on the roof and said, 'There's some guy here from Cathy Hardwick to pick up clothes.' It was then that the guy from the fashion show stepped onto the roof.

I turned to Owen and said, 'That's him.'

'Who?'

'That's him.'

'Him who?'

'Him!'

'You mean -- '

'Yes.'

I went over and told the young man I could give him all the clothes except for the dress we were going to photograph, most likely, for a cover. I took him down in the elevator to the WWD floor. The whole time down in the elevator I was babbling on like a schoolgirl. It is at this point, when telling this story, that I like to put my hands up to my head and wiggle my fingers like eyelashes. I was shamelessly flirting with this boy. He, meanwhile, said nothing, and the quieter he was, the sillier I became. As I was bagging the clothes up in the fashion closet, I told him, 'Tomorrow night, Cathy is giving me a 'welcome back to 紐約' dinner at her apartment.' I was hoping he'd mention it to her, and Cathy, who is no dummy in the gay department, would invite him to the dinner.

The next night, the dinner was wonderful, but the young man wasn't there. After dinner I took Cathy aside and asked, 'Who is your assistant?'

'Tova.'

'No, not Tova, a really cute guy.'

'Tender.'

'Tender?'

'His real name is Tom, but I call him Tender.' At the time, Cathy was married to a man called Tom Snowden. She said she had to distinguish between her two Tom turkeys, so one was Tough (her husband) and the other (Ford) was Tender.

Like I said, there was never any moss growing on Cathy, and she immediately said, 'He's perfect for you. Come for lunch on Monday. I'll arrange the whole thing.'
Apparently, when she came in the next morning, Cathy yelled, 'Tender, get in here!' She told him, 'Richard Buckley, the fashion editor of Women's Wear Daily and editor of Scene, wants to go out with you. He's very important. We need him. You take my credit card and go anywhere he wants to go.'

On Monday, it was pouring rain, and I arrived at the Cathy Hardwick offices thinking we would be going out to a restaurant. No. We had tomato soup and bologna sandwiches in her office. Halfway through lunch, Tom got up and said he needed to get back to work. At this point I'm thinking, I'm 38 and he's 25. He's not into geezers. Three strikes, you're out.

I had been back in my office about 10 minutes when the phone rang.

'哈囉.'

'This is Tom Ford from Cathy Hardwick. I was calling to see if I could ask you out for a drink or dinner some evening.'

I was totally thrown off guard, because I was starting to think he was a stuck-up little prick, so I said, 'Well, tonight and tomorrow night I have business dinners. Wednesday evening I leave for the country and Thanksgiving weekend. What about a week from Wednesday?' He said that was fine. Then we stayed on the phone for a few minutes and he actually started talking to me, and I thought, He's not stuck-up at all. Finally I said, 'Look, the dinner tomorrow night is tentative. If it is canceled, can I call you at the last minute?' He said, 'Sure.'

Well, that was an adrenaline-charged 24 hours for me, because I had no business dinners, no Thanksgiving in the country. Nothing. Nada. At 4:23 Tuesday afternoon I called him, said dinner had fallen through, and asked if he was still free.

For our first date, we went to this really sleazy cheapo restaurant on the Upper East Side called Albuquerque Eats -- I don't think it exists anymore. Tom sat there chit-chatting: 'And in 10 years I'm going to be showing my own collection in Paris, and I'm going to be a millionaire, and I'm going to do this, and I'm going to do that.' And I kept thinking, This guy is really na've. But as we talked about other things, it was almost like seeing down a rabbit hole. I felt like I was looking at his eyes, and it was just spinning around and taking me down inside him. I could see he was a good man with a big heart. It wasn't a physical thing as much as it was a psychic wave.

I'd been through a lot of relationships and was very suspicious of a lot of things, but with Tom I was careful not to repeat the mistakes I'd made with other guys. I'd been burned many times and had learned to keep people at arms' length. And on New Year's Eve 1986, we didn't go out. We stayed at my little apartment on Saint Mark's Place. I gave him a little Tiffany box, and inside was a key to my apartment. He moved in the next day.

Tom's the perfect modern gentleman. We're both old-fashioned that way. We both stand for ladies at the table and open doors for people. If you have good manners, people notice. And they appreciate it. You're showing respect for them. When I got throat cancer in '89, there were people who Tom cut out of our lives because of the way they responded. My best friend and one of my mentors had died -- one in '87 or '88 and one later that year -- both from AIDS, and there were a lot of people who just assumed that I had AIDS, and there were some people who wouldn't come visit me because they were sure they would catch it. And Tom just cut them out -- wouldn't even speak to them if he ran into them on the street.

I couldn't imagine being without Tom now. I couldn't imagine what I'd be like if something happened to him. There's only one Tom for me. He is still that man who I met 24 years ago, who has a good heart.